The massacre of the Queen's tongue

Very random this post is, because I have nothing (or too much) to say, but I feel that I must blog. I realise I've spent more time on pimping up my blog than actually contributing any matter.

Topic #1: North Indian English (my pet topic. Also I know that this blog has a predominance of South Indian readers whom I am hoping will join in): Anyhoo, it just pisses me off so much that northies make fun of southie english and then insist that there is no "north indian accent". According to them, there is an Indian accent and there is a south Indian accent. One would imagine, South India isn't part of the whole deal. One really should get my grandmom started on this topic. Surrounded by marus, sindhis and punjabis, she isn't really big on the whole united India thing. To quote her exact words " I hate them from the bottom of my heart."

Anyway, North Indian grammatical faux pas:

1) Not knowing words that indicate plural from those that indicate singular.: "I bought many stuffs at MK Retail." People, I implore you. Stuff is already plural. You cannot pluralise something that is already plural. Much like fish, sheep and hair. "Such beautiful hairs you have yaar!"

2) The whole tomorrow/ yesterday confusion: "Can you please give me day before tomorrows papers?"

3) Direct translation from Hindi: "Close the fan." "I came from bus." "Oh! She has gone on her mother." "She is standing on the door." On the door? Really? Like a pigeon? I could go on, but you get the idea.

4) And my favourite. The pronunciation: "I only use EX deo." "Arey yaar, my AXE, Rahul na, I tall you." "See na, my taddy beer". "I am sitting on my deks" "I have to aks you something."

5) Complete murder of has/have, doesn't/don't: "she doesn't has any brains". "he have my book". "He say that he doesn't has/don't have it." And various permutations and combinations of the same.

Topic #2: English south of the Vindhyas: South Indian English is funny as fuck. Just less annoying because of the lack of arrogance and "I'm so smart and cool coz i'm Singh and Akshay Kumar have said "Singh is King"ness".

1)The whole z and s confusion: "Very bissy ya I am. So more work prezzure is there no."

2) ello, ello, dirty fellow: Res ipsa loquitor.

3) Yes/esss: "Chumma don't do timepass. Tell esss or no." "Aye write spelling ya, YES- YAA- K-H-T-I"

In the same vein- ya, vo, yell.....

4)Malayali special. Not/note: "I want a not on Finance Bill, 2009." "Why Karthik is note letting Tendulkar make hundred?"

Please feel free dear reader, to pitch in.